When the past rears it’s ugly head

Wednesday, 16 September 2020

A warm, humid day was on tap for us today. I soaked up every second I could get, work laptop on my knee, sitting on the veranda, blue jays hanging around the feeders, cats sitting by my side. It was pretty sweet.

I’ve had a rough couple of days… I woke up Monday with vertigo – courtesy of my ragweed allergies. Thankfully I had something I could take to stop the spinning. While I waited for it to kick in, lying in bed trying to sleep I had flashbacks to my childhood and the sexual abuse at the hands of my grandfather. Scene after scene after scene. It left me shaky, vulnerable, raw and fragile.

As a survivor, I know that this will rear it’s ugly head from time to time for the rest of my life. That there are triggers and, no amount of counseling will stop it from happening. I’ve learned the tools I need to be able to cope and work through it. Doesn’t make it any easier.

I’m a strong woman and don’t like being vulnerable. But who does?

I contacted my manager and explained what I was going through. He has been amazing and very supportive. I’ve taken a couple of days off work to work through my emotions and feel the feelings.

Today I feel better. Not quite there yet but close. I’m grateful I’m teleworking. I don’t have to see anyone or explain why I can’t talk or be around people right now. I’m working off line for a few days – again grateful for the type of work I do so I don’t need to be plugged in right now.

I’m taking each day as it comes, being grateful for everything and everyone in my life. Spending time in nature, which I’ve missed lately thanks to Ragweed 😉. Watching the birds, watching comedies for the laughter – it really is the best medicine – and enjoying the little things.

Before long, Jack Frost will visit for real and take ragweed away. The allergies will dry up and life will go on. The child abuse scars will heal once again then fade into a distant memory… Until next time.

For now, I survived…again

And I am stronger for it.

That’s all I can ask for.

Today’s photos

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