The most common question I’m asked these days is “Wow, What have you done to yourself? You look awesome. Are you in love?” Well, that’s two questions and one comment! The short answer is: I found myself and yes, I’m in love, with me and my life. The long answer is, well… long. So, now would be a good time to get that glass of water, cup of tea, or whatever and settle in.
I didn’t respect me, lived my life for others
I’ve lived my whole life for others. It never mattered what I felt or wanted. I always put others first. I always felt they were more important and were more deserving than I. I felt unworthy. I was always hard on myself, neglected myself. I didn’t love me. I didn’t respect me. I was miserable. I hated my life. I kept looking outside for love and acceptance. I tried using food and shopping to feel fulfilled. No such luck. I just felt worse. It was a vicious circle. Health problems started creeping up. I felt like I was living under a massive dark cloud. What I wanted most in my life, was someone to love and accept me, even when I couldn’t love and accept me.
So what changed? I was lovingly woken up from the nightmare life I created for myself and given guidance, one step at a time, on how to get out from under the massive dark cloud and step into the light where I truly belong.
I credit Archangel Michael for waking me up, and, along with my guardian angels, Jesus and other ascended masters for showing me the light. I know it sounds corny, but trust me, I’m living proof. So have a little faith, ok. What have you got to loose? Except for more time living under the massive dark cloud. I know, I’ve been there and it’s so much nicer over here in the light!
I started getting these strong feelings to go to the local bookstore, specifically to the new age/occult section. Now, I was raised catholic and until recently, regularly attended Sunday Mass, even played the organ at Mass for thirteen years. I know for a fact that good catholic girls don’t hang out in the new age/occult section of the local bookstore. So, where did that leave me? I’ve always been drawn to metaphysics, new age, and psychic phenomenon. Being catholic just didn’t mesh with my interest so I put it to the back of my mind. But, something, or someone, kept calling me to that section at the bookstore. So, I would go and stand in front of the books and just stare, hoping something would jump out at me or make some sort of sense as to why I was being drawn there. Then I saw it. A book about angels. Cool. I picked it up, found a seat on the windowsill and perused the book. I kept this up for weeks. Eventually I was drawn to angel oracle cards. OUCH! Don’t forget – I’m still a practicing catholic at this point and I was definitely walking a thin line. It took me about a month before I found the perfect deck of angel oracle cards. Saints and Angels angel oracle cards by Doreen Virtue. Saints and Angels. What could be wrong with them? So I bought them. I was hooked. I just loved the beautiful, loving, warm messages I received from the Saints and Angels. I bought more books, more oracle cards, more books and even more cards.
From the books, I learned about Hay House Radio. I started tuning in to listen to their shows. I learned about Louise Hay and bought her book “How to Heal your Life”, and her DVD of the same title. Amazing information. They should be teaching this stuff in school. If only I had known then, what I know now, how different my life would have been. Then again, if I didn’t live my life the way I did, I wouldn’t be who I am right now or where I am right now and I’m in a pretty good spot right now!
Suddenly… things made perfect sense.
I changed the way I viewed myself, the way I spoke about myself, the way I thought about myself, and the way I took care of myself. I began to appreciate who I am and what I have to offer myself and the world. That massive dark cloud above me began to move away. I started to look at myself, take a good hard look and an inventory of where I’ve been and what I’ve learned. I needed to determine what mistakes or lessons I hadn’t quite grasped yet so I could learn what I needed to so I could let them go and stop making them over and over. It felt like, once the cloud started to move away from me, I could see and understand things, which I didn’t or couldn’t before. Suddenly things made perfect sense, but they didn’t before? Almost overnight!
I was guided to a naturopath doctor who has helped me enormously. I was guided to change the food I eat, add more fruits and vegetables and a variety of other foods, some of which I never heard of before and certainly can’t pronounce. The naturopath suggested a detox to start. Hard stuff, but definitely worth it. I was drinking so much pop, eating foods with preservatives, fast foods, popping Motrin/Advil and Tylenol without even thinking about what it was doing to me. When the detox was over, I thought I was home free. Another detox followed with another dietary change. This continued on and on. It’s still on-going! It gets tiring but I know it’s working! Just look at me!
So, I was eating better than I ever had and exercising on a regular basis. Life was good. Or so I thought.
Things started falling apart… But I’m living in the light – things aren’t supposed to fall apart when you’re living in the light… or so I thought.
Then things started falling apart. Dad got sick. Real sick. He was healthy as a horse during the winter, but come May, he was in pretty bad shape. He was having trouble breathing. By the last weekend in May he was in obvious distress. The visits to the hospital started that weekend. By the end of June he was in for good. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in June or early July. He died on August 8, 2007. I was floored. I really thought…well I don’t know what I thought. That he would get better? That he would live another couple months in distress? I don’t know.
We had a beautiful funeral at St. Patrick’s Basilica in Ottawa, on Saturday, Aug 10. I remember standing on the stairs watching them put his casket in the hearse and waiting for the car to drive away. But it didn’t. And I could feel the emotions welling up in me and my heart breaking. I just couldn’t stand the feeling of standing there watching him being taken away. It was killing me inside. And I kept waiting, thinking “please hurry up, I can’t take much more of this”. Then I realized the car wasn’t going anywhere. I could hear the car trying to turn over, but it didn’t. The car wasn’t starting. It broke down there, right in front of the church. I burst out laughing! That was my Dad! He hated being the centre of attention and it would drive him crazy to have all of us standing there weeping as we watched him drive off. He would prefer to have us all laugh and go have a drink instead! I prefer his way!
Two weeks later, I had to put my seventeen year old cat, Frisky, to sleep. I didn’t think it would be as hard as it was. But it was. I adopted a young cat from the humane society a couple of months later. Ginger. She was a real doll.
In October, my house was broken into. That really shook me. Where were the angels then? How could I be surrounded by them and loved by them and my home was broken into?
I was broken…I was raw…I was experiencing pain like I’ve never experienced before.
A week later, Ginger got underfoot, I tripped and stepped on her. She died on the way to the animal hospital. I was broken. I was raw. The feelings were so raw. I never experienced anything like this before. I was always so numb before, now, living in the light, I was experiencing pain like I’ve never experienced before.
I thought once I followed by true path (in the light) all would be rosy and perfect… this wasn’t rosy or perfect…
Mom drove us to the animal hospital. I left Ginger’s body there, filled out paperwork through a veil of tears. We sat in the parking lot and I remember shaking my head and saying repeatedly: “I don’t get it. What am I missing? I just don’t get it.” I thought once I followed my true path, all would be happy and rosy and perfect. This isn’t perfect or happy. I don’t get it. Mom was very worried about me and didn’t know quite what to do. I assured her I would get through this somehow. I just needed time to figure out what was going on.
I got home, hugged my other cat Miss Kitty, filled the tub with hot water, searched the cupboard for something hard and stiff to drink but all I found was Baily’s. I poured a large class of Baileys, sat in the tub and sobbed. Then I starting firing questions out to whomever was around to answer them. What am I missing? What am I supposed to learn from this. Couldn’t I have learned this without Ginger dying? I just don’t get it. Can someone explain this to me.
Answers were coming at me, as fast as I was throwing questions at them. I just wasn’t in the frame of mind to hear what they were saying so I shut it all out. The main difference from the way I handled Ginger’s death and the way I’ve handled everything else that has ever happened to me in my life was this: I asked, what am I supposed to learn from this? Not the usual: Why? Why me? Why is this happening to me. So, even though it was a very dark time for me, living in the light (even a small portion of the light for a small time) was enough for me to realize that there’s more to life than we realize. We really are here to learn something and every obstacle, issue, situation, is for a reason. I find that once we accept that we learn a lot faster and easier.
I don’t believe in coincidences…everything happens for a reason
I’ve always believed that there is a reason for everything. I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe everything happens for a reason. This drives a lot of people crazy and they question me about it, rather harshly at times. I don’t have all the answers. I have some, we all have some. But, it’s not up to us to know everything. This problem you’re living through right now, even though it seems like the biggest obstacle in your life and you don’t think you’ll ever be able to overcome it, it could be just a little pebble in the grander scheme of things. Maybe you have to go through this so you’ll change the way you think, or you’ll change the people you’re hanging out with. And because you change the people you’re hanging with, you’ll meet new people, which will lead you to meeting the most amazing person of your life, or your dream job… you just never know.
When a door closes a window opens…you need to make sure you’re ready and able to climb through that window
What’s that saying? When one door closes, another opens. If another door doesn’t open, then you can bet a window will and you need to make sure you’re fit and ready to climb through it.